How to Live Like a Stoic : The Path to Authentic Happiness

When I was very young, I read these words by D.H. Lawrence and wrote them into my poetry journal :

The optimist builds himself safe inside a cell

And paints the inside walls sky-blue

And blocks up the door

And says he is in Heaven.

At the time, I experienced a sense of disquiet in these lines, and while I was too young to understand the message conveyed in the poem, the words and the sense of uneasiness have always stayed with me.

Recently, I was reflecting on a ‘truth’ written in The American Constitution:

We hold this truth to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.

To me, the ‘pursuit’ of something suggests that we have not attained it. Otherwise, why would be in pursuit? It implies that we are chasing something we do not have, something out of reach, which in this case, is happiness.

On reflection, I think D.H. Lawrence was saying that we cannot possibly be happy all of the time, and pretending to be happy all of the time, is a complete delusion.

This false sense of happiness and toxic positivity is all encompassing in this age of social media, where we are constantly bombarded with images and video clips of social influencers looking their best and living their (deliriously happy) best lives. Except, are they? Recent studies indicate that negative feelings are on the rise globally, that there is a widening happiness gap (between happy and unhappy populations) and in general, we are feeling worse.

How did we go wrong, and how far back to do we have to go to find a better way? Probably as far back as 300BC to the Stoics, who gave us the philosophy known as Stoicism. They were disciples of an active school of philosophy for several centuries in Greece and Rome, believing that everything around us operates according to the universal law of cause and effect. Rather than envisaging an optimistic society as described in D.H. Lawrence’s poem, The Optimist, the Stoic deals with life as it is – warts and all, messy and mostly unpredictable, surprising us when we are least expecting it.

From powerful advisors like Seneca; to the very wealthy like Zeno; to emperors like Marcus Aurelius; and to slaves like Epictetus the underlying message from the Stoics is clear: We need to clarify what is and what isn’t in our power, because anything we are invested in that is outside of our control, can lead to disappointment and unhappiness.

Stoics believe that as individuals, we have no control over external factors, like other people, events and society. It was the Stoics who first taught us to let go of what we cannot control, and give our energy to what we can control. It was the Stoics who taught us that living our best life requires us to focus on improvement of self.

In today’s modern language, we use the word ‘stoic’ to describe someone who has the ability to remain calm under pressure, someone who is emotionally intelligent, someone who avoids emotional extremes. We can attribute this meaning to Zeno of Citium, a wealthy Greco-Phoenician merchant from Cyprus, who lived circa 300BC. He suffered extreme and catastrophic financial ruin through circumstances beyond his control, leaving him with no money, no home and no possessions. In his despair, he began to question the meaning of life and was inspired by a student of Socrates named Xenophon who wrote a collection of Socratic dialogues called Memorabilia. His curiosity awakened, Zeno then sought out the guidance and teachings of renowned philosophers, like Crates of Thebes and others, later teaching his own philosophy from what is now a famous site in ancient Athens, known as the Stoa Poikile, which means the Painted Porch. It was from this painted porch that the philosophical school of Stoicism takes its name.

Today, we study the work of famous Stoic philosophers such as Seneca [Letters from a Stoic], Epictetus [The Discourses of Epictetus] and Marcus Aurelius [The Meditations] to understand Stoicism and how it was practiced by those in the higher echelons of society in the Roman Empire. The teachings of the Stoics resonate strongly with modern psychology and the self-help movement today.

As a philosophy and a practice, Stoicism teaches the importance of self-control but an important distinction must be made. While Stoicism focuses on self-improvement, it is not a self-centred philosophy. Instead, Stoicism is a practical philosophy designed to help us to remain calm, unwavering and grounded even when facing challenges, difficulty, adversity and hardship. Stoicism is analogous to grace under pressure.

The Stoics taught us to pursue self-improvement through these 4 cardinal virtues:

The virtue of practical wisdom – the ability to navigate complex situations in a logical, informed and calm manner.
The virtue of temperance or moderation – to exercise self-restraint and moderation in all aspects of life.
The virtue of justice – to treat others with fairness and compassion even when they have done wrong.
The virtue of courage – not just in extraordinary circumstances, but in facing daily challenges with clarity and integrity. As Seneca wrote: Sometimes, even to live is an act of courage.

According to Zeno, the goal of life is to simply float along with the natural course stating that “All things are part of one single system which is called Nature; the individual life is good when it is in harmony with nature”. It is worth pointing out that while Stoicism advocates that we ‘go with the flow’, it does not encourage passivity. The key idea is that the people who can bring positive change into the lives of others, must first have cultivated behaviours demonstrating high moral values (the 4 virtues) and self-control in themselves. Virtue is an old-fashioned word which means ‘excellence of character’ and comes with another caveat: an ability to exercise excellence of character does not give one carte blanche to take the high road. This would break Cardinal Rule Number 1 as there is a complete absence of wisdom in a ‘holier than thou’ approach.

What practical advice can the Stoics teach us that we can apply to our lives today? A book review of Epictetus’s The Enchiridion by YouTuber, Jeffery Marr offers a few inspiring lessons:

Lesson 1 – It’s your judgments that disturb you

Events that happen don’t disturb you, it’s your thoughts and emotions to them that do. Avoid labelling things as good or bad and letting them affect you throughout your day.

Lesson 2 – Don’t blame others or external factors for your misfortune

When you blame others for your negative feelings you are being ignorant. When you blame yourself for your negative feelings, you are making progress. You are being wise when you stop blaming yourself or others.

Lesson 3 – What will be, will be

Don’t wish for things to happen as you would like them to, rather welcome whatever happens. This is the path to peace, freedom and happiness. Optimize what you can control (which is how you feel about things and the work that you put in) and release your need for a predetermined outcome.

Lesson 4 – Be prepared to be laughed at

If you decide to live by lofty principles, be prepared to be laughed at by others for having lofty principles. Ignore ignorant comments but make sure that you don’t take the high road. You will be laughed at for trying to better yourself but just keep at it. People will realize that this is the authentic ‘you’ and that you are actually making progress.

Lesson 5 – Make sure you don’t become pretentious

If you stick to your principles, people who make fun of you will eventually come around and they may even admire you, however, if you let others influence you to give up what you started, you will be ridiculed twice. Firstly, for following these principles and secondly, for giving them up. Stay on the path.

Lesson 6 – Everything has a price

If someone’s advice is preferred to yours, or if someone is more popular than you, how should you respond? If this person deserves it, be happy for them. If they don’t deserve it, don’t be upset. There is a price to pay for everything in life. If you are not willing to pay the price that someone else is paying to get something, it doesn’t make you any worse or any better than them. Take a look at what you want, and take a look at the price you are willing to pay to get it. Seneca had this to say about ‘paying a high price at any cost’: “People cease to possess anything as soon as they want everything for themselves.”

Lesson 7 – Let others not control your mind

If your body was turned over to someone else and they were controlling it without your permission, you wouldn’t be very happy about it. Similarly, when we let the actions of others affect us, we are letting them take over our mind. Make an effort to not let the words, actions, behaviours of others affect you to the extent that your words, actions and behaviours are being controlled by them. Ann Landers, a columnist once wrote: “Hanging on to resentment is letting someone you despise live rent-free in your head”.

Lesson 8 – Be true to yourself

Decide what type of person you want to be and stick to it, whether you are by yourself or with others. Here are some suggestions:

Don’t indulge in gossip. Gossip is harmful and talking behind someone’s back demonstrates that you cannot be trusted. Influence by role modelling – set a good example by your actions.
Don’t brag about your principles in life – better still, try not to even mention them to others. Instead, act according to those principles.
Be moderate in all things. Don’t overindulge, don’t overshare, don’t be extreme in your views and behaviours.
Avoid fraternizing with those who don’t share your values.
Don’t defend yourself if someone speaks ill of you. Epictetus said “If someone speaks badly of you, don’t defend yourself against the accusations, but reply: you obviously don’t know about my other vices, otherwise you would have mentioned these as well.” (He clearly had a great sense of humour!)
Avoid talking about yourself a lot in conversation. What might be interesting to you, may not be so interesting to others.
Let your actions speak for themselves. Don’t make a show of the principles you live by. Just operate through them. You will show others how you live by your actions throughout your life and the person that you become.

Gaynor is a teacher educator and teacher mentor facilitating leadership & wellbeing development for teachers.

If you are an early childhood teacher or leader looking to enhance your leadership skills, I would love to work with you. As a leadership mentor and coach, I specialize in helping early childhood educators develop their leadership potential and make a positive impact for the ākonga they serve. If you are interested in learning more about my leadership mentoring services, please visit my website or contact me directly to schedule a consultation. I would love to work with you!

Teacher Leadership Mentoring and Life Coaching. Personal and Professional Development.

Reach Education Ltd

Reach. Teach. Lead.